Many times in our society, people have a tendency to use the past as justification for the present. This is true both when a person looks at themselves, or when we look upon another. Many times has a convicted killer blamed an abusive childhood for his actions. Many times people will say, “his father was an alcoholic…there was no hope for him not to be”. Many times we ourselves assume that the life we have growing up is the life we are destined to have forever…if we come from a poor family, then we are destined to remain poor. I believe one can create their own hope. This is why I believe so.
I was born into a family that had been raised on violence for generations. In my family, what we now know as abuse, was similar to what my children would call time out. For many years, the punishments I received from my mother were, in my mind, normal. It wasn’t until we got cable TV, and I saw shows like the Brady Bunch, that I realized what I experienced at home was not the norm. I spent most of elementary school in constant fear. I knew early in life that someday I wanted the chance to raise my own children…without the fear I felt.
Growing up with my mother, I was also exposed to the “hippy” lifestyle of the seventies. There was frequently a gathering of her friends and/or siblings, us kids were often subject of a party game called, “hey, let’s get the kids stoned”. As early as two and four years old, my sister and I had gotten high. Though I always knew drugs were illegal, it was not until much later in life, that I realized they were wrong. By the time I was sixteen, I was allowed to make my own decisions on drugs, and alcohol…I choose incorrectly.
When I turned eighteen, I took a real look at my life. I had dropped out of school, worked as a dishwasher, and spent most of my free time smoking pot or drunk. I had spent most of my school days at the bottom of the social ladder, and I really didn’t have any friends. I knew what I wanted from life, and this was not it. I wanted more for my family when I grew up…not only free of fear, but free of drugs and alcohol, and the poverty that often came with it. I knew what I wanted, but for many years thought there was no hope of getting it.
I spent the better part of the next ten years bouncing between the life I knew I wanted, and life I felt I was destined to have. I had almost never had a “social” drink, during the times I drank…I was a drunk. I quit drinking probably nine times in as many years, I knew it would not help me to achieve the life I wanted. I also went back and forth with drugs, I spent time addicted to everything up to and including crack cocaine.
During the times I was clean and sober, I was conscious enough to establish myself in a career. Nothing glamorous, but I did mange to move above my beginnings as a dishwasher into the management end of the restaurant business. I took some terrible jobs just because they had a nice title for a resume. Being uneducated as I was, the restaurant business seemed my best chance.
I now look back on the last eight years with my wife and kids, and I realize that I have accomplished my hopes from days gone by. The night I got married was the first time I had a good time without the influence of drugs or alcohol (well there was a little wine, but I did not get drunk). I have been clean and sober since. Staying clear headed this long, has allowed me to rise almost to the top of my profession, I’m literally two promotions away from being able to say I work in the restaurant business, without actually having to work in a restaurant.
The birth of our first daughter, brings with it a story of hope in itself, and perhaps I’ll share that in a later story. For the purpose of this story her and her little sister show me the realization of one of my oldest dreams. They live a life free from the fear I was raised with, free from going to bed hungry, and they know they are loved.
Through the years, many people…including myself, have felt there was never any hope for me. There was no hope that I would live as a peaceful, respected, middle class member of society. I’m here to say, there is always hope, but sometimes…you find that hope within yourself.
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I wrote those words about two months before I began this current journey in my life. I was, and still am, rather proud of how I had risen above the influences and bad decisions of my past. Recently, in just the past week or so, I have begun to wonder if I have the right to take pride in who I am. After all, should we not only take pride in that which we have created? When I made the decision to place my life in the hands of God, I realized that I am not a product of my own creation.
My physical being is the result of an act between my mother and father, but who I am as a person, what I feel in my heart and soul, was created by a higher power. All I had to do to was place my life in God’s hands to realize I had a purpose, he had a plan for me. Living the life I have, I can honestly say that if you have had times of fear, times of hunger, and times in which you let the influence of Satan control your life, I can relate.
God has a plan for each of his children, the first step to discovering that plan, is to place your life in His hands. Show Him your love by praying at least daily. Take time to read His word, to hear His word, or maybe even spread His word. Let your actions be guided by what your heart knows is right. Do not let your life be ruled by fear and doubt, God intends for his children to be consumed with love and hope.
I do not profess to have more knowledge of God than the average person. In fact I know even my knowledge of the Bible is quite poor, but I do know what it is like to have a relationship with God, and to let him guide my steps. I also know very well what it is like to live life without that guidance. If you need help finding your way to the path that God has chosen for you, I will be glad to help in anyway I can.
I wish you all a safe and fulfilling journey as you move closer to God. May you feel his blessings in every step.
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